Some may even feel guilty, blaming themselves for the problems at home. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances.
By providing routines your kids can rely on, you remind them that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And by maintaining a working relationship with your ex, you can help your kids avoid the stress and anguish that comes with watching parents in conflict.
With your support, your kids can not only successfully navigate this unsettling time, but even emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong—and even with a closer bond to both parents. When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up.
Difficult as it may be, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation. Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Address changes. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.
Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it. Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible. Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.
Think carefully about how certain information will affect them. For kids, divorce can feel like an intense loss—the loss of a parent, the loss of the family unit, or simply the loss of the life they knew.
You can help your children grieve their loss and adjust to new circumstances by helping them express their emotions. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.
Help them find words for their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk. Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. Make talking about the divorce an ongoing process. As children age and mature, they often have new questions, feelings, or concerns about what happened, so you may want to go over the same ground again and again.
Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them.
You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand. Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. To help your kids let go of this misconception:. Set the record straight.
Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help. Be patient. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce. Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.
Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents. Kids who doubt their ability to deal with the changes and those who see themselves as helpless victims are more likely to experience mental health problems. Teach your child that although dealing with divorce is difficult, he has the mental strength to handle it. Kids with active coping strategies, like problem-solving skills and cognitive restructuring skills, adapt better to divorce.
Teach your child how to manage his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a healthy way. Fear of abandonment and concerns about the future can cause a lot of anxiety. But helping your child feel loved, safe, and secure can not only reduce clinginess but also diminish the risk of mental health problems.
There are many programs available to help reduce the impact divorce has on kids. Parents are taught co-parenting skills and strategies for helping kids cope with the adjustments. Reducing your stress level can be instrumental in helping your child.
Practice self-care and consider talk therapy or other resources to help you adjust to the changes in your family. Despite the fact that divorce is tough on families, staying together for the sole sake of the children may not be the best option.
Children who live in homes with a lot of arguing, hostility and discontentment may be at a higher risk for developing mental health issues and behavior problems. Consequently, following a parental separation, it's normal for kids to struggle with their feelings and their behavior immediately afterwards.
Discuss your concerns and inquire about whether your child may need professional support. A referral to talk therapy or other supportive services may be recommended. Individual therapy may help your child sort out his emotions.
Family therapy may also be recommended to address changes in family dynamics. Some communities also offer support groups for kids. Support groups allow kids in certain age groups to meet with other children who may be experiencing similar changes in family structure.
Get expert tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy. Kleinsorge C, Covitz LM. Impact of divorce on children: developmental considerations. Pediatr Rev. Rappaport SR. Deconstructing the Impact of Divorce on Children. Family Law Quarterly. Anderson J. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce.
Linacre Q. Parenting stress among child welfare involved families: Differences by child placement. Child Youth Serv Rev. Mothers and their children after divorce: Report from a year longitudinal study.
Psychoanalytic Psychology. Pew Research Center. D'Onofrio B, Emery R. Parental divorce or separation and children's mental health. World Psychiatry. Parental divorce is not uniformly disruptive to children's educational attainment. Early exposure to parents' relationship instability: implications for sexual behavior and depression in adolescence. J Adolesc Health.
Ryan RM. Nonresident fatherhood and adolescent sexual behavior: a comparison of siblings approach. Dev Psychol. Popul Dev Rev. Critical Distinctions and a Review of the Evidence.
Fam Court Rev. There is nothing in the law about co-parenting and the co-parenting situation has no bearing on parental responsibility or child maintenance. If you choose to co-parent, you and your partner make agreements about when the child is with each of you and who pays for what. You can lay down such agreements in a document drawn up by a civil-law notary or include them in a divorce settlement agreement scheidingsconvenant.
Equal parenthood means that the parents have equal rights and obligations with respect to the care and upbringing of their children. This does not mean that the child lives with each parent half the time. Acknowledgment creates a legal bond between the parent and child. In that case, to get parental responsibility you need to apply for it. After a divorce, separation or the termination of a registered partnership, the ex-partners retain their parental access rights with respect to the children.
If you have joint parental responsibility, you and your ex-partner must agree on care and access arrangements.
Even if one of you does not have or no longer has parental responsibility, that parent still has parental access rights and the right to be kept informed about the children. In such cases, the parents decide on an access arrangement together.
There are no standard arrangements imposed by law. The agreements you make are then incorporated into the parenting plan ouderschapsplan. If your ex-partner does not keep to the care or access arrangements, you can try to resolve the problem together or seek the help of a mediator.
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